funny quotes

~My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

~Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.—Will Ferrell

~I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.—Rita Rudner

~When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.—Erma Bombeck

~I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.—Phyllis Diller

~Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to fall asleep right now.—Anonymous

~I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.—Anonymous

~Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.—Unknown (not Mark Twain, according to Reuters)

~I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.—Rodney Dangerfield

~Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’—Steven Wright

~Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.—Lessons from the Minivan

~Stan: “Describe your perfect date.” Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality

~Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.—Anonymous

~The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.—Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias

~I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.—Anonymous

~A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.—Graham Norton

~I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?—Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

~As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.—Sir Norman Wisdom

~Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels?—Neil DeGrasse Tyson

~A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.—Steve Martin

~You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.—George Burns

~I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.—Bob Hope

~If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night

~Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.—Mark Twain

~Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.—Anonymous

~Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. (Football) half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.—Erma Bombeck

~The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.—Anonymous
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~My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.—Maria Bamford